How the Irish Saved the World (Sci Fi)

A fleet of 3000 silver space ships hovered in high orbit above the blue marble planet called Earth. Their plans were set and the world below had no defense for their superior technology. Within hours they would descend to Earth in their war machines and destroy every living thing.

Leading his armed forces was commander Op. He had a head the size of a watermelon, black eyes the shape of avocados, three fingers, two thumbs and a body that could be described as tall, white and stick-like.

Commander Op was in a good mood when he fired his space craft out of Earth’s orbit and descended like a lightning bolt toward the planet below. It was his ritual to visit every planet for a final look before his forces crushed all life forms. It had been some time since commander Op had seen such a primitive planet as Earth and it fascinated him.

His destination was an insignificant, defenseless and one of the most desolate locations on this planet, an island called Ireland. The joke among the advance scouting party was all they had to do to make the Irish people surrender in mass was destroy all the pubs or promise them unlimited beer.

The helpless Irish were much different from the armed fortress nation across the vast ocean to the west. This country was protected by missiles, ships, bombs and a population that had more guns than all the rest of Earth combined. But commander Op knew his superior technology would easily defeat anything this fortress country or the entire planet could develop for another 10,000 years.

Commander Op let the advanced guidance system maneuver his space craft to a desolated area just outside the city of Waterford. His objective was on his forward screen now; it was a stone house with a thatched roof and a white picket fence.  His sensors told him that the Irish life force was, of course, away at the local pub.

The space craft landed smartly in a narrow hollow that was not visible from the road. The craft would be completely hidden by ground fog in twelve minutes and thirty-seven seconds, exactly.

The hardest part of the journey for commander Op was getting to the house.  Machines and technology had long since aided everything they did, include walking. Earth’s oxygen levels were similar to his planet and the gravity was a little stronger, but he made it to the little cottage, out of breath and excited. He glanced down at his hand held scanner to make sure there were no humans around. He noticed the door had no lock, and again he thought how defenseless the Irish people were. Nothing protected them from the outside world. One of the early reports stated that, “Any sober man with a garden hose as a weapon could conquer Ireland.”

Commander Op slowly pushed the door open and ducked to enter the cottage. He looked around and knew this was the most primitive dwelling he had ever been in. The people on this planet had stopped living in caves only 15,000 years ago. On his planet at that time, they had buildings five miles high.

Even though his large eyes could see in the dark, he turned on the electric lights; he had never done that, and was curious how the earthlings made light. He looked around and noticed a computer on a desk. He smiled to himself and thought how ancient that machine was. A computer was a little better than knots on a string to count with, or cut marks on a stick. His attention turned to a small fireplace and he slowly walked toward it. He had never seen wood burned to keep warm. It fascinated him immensely.

On the mantel of fireplace was a row of books and it took him a moment to figure out what they were. This was the way Earth kept their knowledge? With his boney hand he pulled down a book and struggled to open it. He was amused that the pages of the book were made of thin pieces of wood fiber. So primitive.

Then he noticed a small sign on the wall: This house protected by leprechauns, faeries, elves, pixies, brownies and banshees. He got out his hand held translator, scanned the words and waited. The device hummed, buzzed and scrolled back there was no definition. That seemed odd to commander Op. His translator had never been unable to come up with a definition.  What did that mean? This house was protected by what things?  He selected the scanner to find the unknown words in any of the other books. The scanner directed him to a small book that translated to: Creatures of Ireland. He opened it, quickly scanned the pages and was surprised he didn’t know any of these creatures.  Leprechaun…you must never take your eyes off of them, for they can vanish in an instant… Fairies… Pointed ears, mischievous and can disappear at will. Pixies…enjoy playing tricks on people and deliberately leading people astray. They use pixie dust to fly and confuse…  Brownies…three feet tall and if offended will create malicious mischief…

The Earth creatures really concerned commander Op, especially their ability to disappear. On his planet, one could become invisible with the aid of a large, complicated machine and only for a short time. Plus, some of the creatures could change shapes. He couldn’t do that. And what exactly was pixie dust?

Then, Commander Op had a strange sensation he and his entire invading force might be in grave danger. Had he underestimate this Earth? Were the Irish the keepers of treacherous creatures? Were there other beings like this on the planet? Immediately he called up to his command center and gave the order to do a search for other life forces, especially in the fortress country across the ocean. In a nano second a report came back with a “Superman.” Reading through the description, he was somewhat relieved in the modest powers of Superman. Superman was faster than a speeding bullet…they had space crafts that were 1000 times faster than that. Superman was able to leap buildings in a single bound…they had machines that could jump higher than that. Superman was more powerful than a locomotive… Children on his planet played with more powerful toys at birth.

Commander Op breathed a sigh of relief but still feared these Irish creatures. Their powers were insidious. They could be mischievous, and if anything the Forays hated it was mischief.  These Irish creatures created doubt, and that was the worse thing he could experience.  Again he worried about pixie dust and what that might do to his war machines.

There was a little creak from inside the house and Commander Op reached for his scanner and it said nothing was there. But the device had been set for humans and not these Irish creatures. He reached for his weapon and gazed around. Nothing appeared. He relaxed and looked again at the scanner and the description of an Irish creature called a Banshee…A female spirit, when death approaches, cries.

Just then, the window slowly blew open and carried on a gentle breeze, and magnified by the ground fog, was the screaming orgasm of Mrs. Catherine O’Hare. She lived not too far away and always kept her window open during sex with her Welch seaman husband who had just returned from sixteen months at sea.

Commander Op raised his weapon, and knew that was the sound of a banshee. Again Catherine cried out and commander Op quickly put his weapon away and hurried toward the door to get back to his space craft before it was too late. In his rush, he bumped his big head on the way out. He suddenly thought the Irish creatures were toying with him and they were going to kill him. He drew his weapon again and looked around. Yes, somehow they knew he was coming to this very spot and the Irish creatures were going to kill him. With his weapon in his boney hand he raced toward his space craft and suddenly stopped out of breath. The ground fog had come up and he was a little confused where his ship was. Had he been dusted with pixie dust to act confused? Again Mrs. O’Hare cried out in ecstasy. When he did reach his space craft the hatch door was slightly open. Did he leave it open or…was that a sign they were there and knew? Somehow one of the Brownies, it had to be a Brownie, left the hatch open to toy with him. He got in and quickly took control of the craft. He changed out of automatic pilot. If a mad Brownie fooled with the controls, the space craft would surely explode on takeoff.

He fired up his space craft and shot into the sky as fast as he could go toward the rest of the fleet. It left a visible vapor trail but it didn’t matter. They already knew he was there. He called ahead and had his lieutenants meet him in the war room as soon as he arrived. In minutes he docked and was out of his space craft and strode toward the war room.

Commander Op suddenly stopped, turned around and yelled, “Check for any pixie dust!” The attendant saluted with both hands and looked confused.

As soon as he entered the war room commander Op ordered that all the personnel be checked for strange behavior and any malicious mischief be reported to him immediately. Commander Op then announced with his new findings the invasion was going to be called off. His Lieutenants looked bewildered. Never had an invasion been called off at the last moment. Commander Op knew that his behavior was strange, but he would rather make a mistake then lead his men into certain death and destruction. He was also worried, but he didn’t say anything, that maybe those wily leprechauns had stolen his battle plans and were diabolically altering some device of his war machines.

Commander Op announced the invasion force would bypass Earth. There was another inferior technological planet in the Gamma Nebula galaxy they would invade.

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